worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I came so hard my ears popped.
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