There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
