In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
