I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
