i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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