I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
