Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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