does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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