I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
