I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
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I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
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He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.