This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
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Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
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You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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