Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
