he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
