I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
