Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
