Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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