Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
