Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I met the friendliest cop last night
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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