This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
