i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
