Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
