Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
