Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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