oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
