I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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