M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
This toilet bowl is my home.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
