Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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