He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he fucked my hip out of place.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
