I have demons in me.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Say something about gay babies.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
