Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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