seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
