you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
