neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
