So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
