it was like eating out sand paper
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
