what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
