i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
