if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
