Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
