I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
