Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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