I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
