Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
