I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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