wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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