So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
