The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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