just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
BRING THE BAGELS
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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