dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
pop tarts are not kleenex
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
