so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
