tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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