he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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