One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
