goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I deserve this hangover.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
