We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
