I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
