who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
