I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
