Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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