ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
