my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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