Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
